so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
