hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
