Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
