I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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