shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
