My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
