Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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