apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
