I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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