The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I love you. Go after that dick
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