I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Randomize
