I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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