Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
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I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
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Brb crying the tears of my youth
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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