If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
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Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
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