I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
