I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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