i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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