Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
im holly from the hills drunk
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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