I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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