I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
