I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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