I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
