Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I touched a dick in church today
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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