Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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