Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
