I heard we made out
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
