dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.