yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
