Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
