jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
