shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
