You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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