Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Randomize
