Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Randomize
