you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
