Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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