she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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