dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
