Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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