o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
