So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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