i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
