Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
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