it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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