I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
BRING THE BAGELS
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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