oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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