it's not cheating when I paid for it
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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