Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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