i permit you to call me
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
