you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
