My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
