it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
The uberlube is also flammable
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
