hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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