Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
