Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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