i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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