I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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