I wish my penis had an off switch
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
