woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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