What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
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