his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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