I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
