OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize